Quotes by Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
– Fred Allen
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
– Fred Allen
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 p.m. to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
– Fred Allen
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
– Fred Allen
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
– Fred Allen
Batten, Barton, Durstine and Osborne - sounds like a trunk falling down a flight of stairs.
– Fred Allen
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
– Fred Allen
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
– Fred Allen
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
– Fred Allen
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
– Fred Allen
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
– Fred Allen
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
– Fred Allen
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
– Fred Allen
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
– Fred Allen
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
– Fred Allen
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
– Fred Allen
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
– Fred Allen
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy.
– Fred Allen
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
– Fred Allen
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
– Fred Allen