Quotes by George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
– George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
– George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
– George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
– George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
– George Carlin
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, andanyone going faster than you is a moron.
– George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
– George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
– George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
– George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
– George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
– George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
– George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
– George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
– George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
– George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
– George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
– George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
– George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
– George Carlin