Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
– Rodney Dangerfield
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
– Rodney Dangerfield