Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
– Rodney Dangerfield
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
– Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
– Rodney Dangerfield