Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
– Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
– Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
– Rodney Dangerfield
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
– Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
– Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
– Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
– Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
– Rodney Dangerfield
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
– Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
– Rodney Dangerfield
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
– Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
– Rodney Dangerfield