Quotes by Woody Allen


Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
– Woody Allen
A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
– Woody Allen
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
– Woody Allen
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
– Woody Allen
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
– Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
– Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
– Woody Allen
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
– Woody Allen
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
– Woody Allen
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
– Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
– Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
– Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
– Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
– Woody Allen
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
– Woody Allen
I am two with nature.
– Woody Allen
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
– Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
– Woody Allen
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
– Woody Allen