Quotes by Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
– Woody Allen
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
– Woody Allen
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
– Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
– Woody Allen
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
– Woody Allen
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
– Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
– Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
– Woody Allen
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
– Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
– Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
– Woody Allen
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
– Woody Allen
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
– Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
– Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
– Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
– Woody Allen
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
– Woody Allen
Marriage is the death of hope.
– Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen