Quotes by Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
– Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
– Woody Allen
The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
– Woody Allen
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
– Woody Allen
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
– Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
– Woody Allen
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
– Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
– Woody Allen
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
– Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
– Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
– Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
– Woody Allen
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
– Woody Allen
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
– Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
– Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
– Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
– Woody Allen
I am at two with nature.
– Woody Allen
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
– Woody Allen