Funny Quotes


It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
– W. Somerset Maugham
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
– Fred Allen
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
– Fred Allen
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
– Woody Allen
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
– Woody Allen
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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
– Woody Allen
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
– Woody Allen
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
– Woody Allen
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O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
– Saint Augustine
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I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
– Lucille Ball
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
– Dave Barry
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
– Dave Barry
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There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
– Jean Baudrillard
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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
– Robert Benchley
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Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
– Robert Benchley
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Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
– Robert Benchley
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
– Milton Berle
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
– Milton Berle
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
– Yogi Berra
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