Funny Quotes

I never said most of the things I said.
– Yogi Berra
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
– Lewis Black
I got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be?
– Orlando Bloom
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
– Erma Bombeck
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
– Erma Bombeck
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
– Elayne Boosler
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
– Elayne Boosler
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
– Elayne Boosler
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
– Elayne Boosler
Communism is like one big phone company.
– Lenny Bruce
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
– Lenny Bruce
It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
– Craig Bruce
It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.
– Craig Bruce
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
– Warren Buffett
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
– Luis Bunuel
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
– George Burns
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
– George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
– George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
– George Burns
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
– Samuel Butler