The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison... Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.
– Dave Barry
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
– Dave Barry
The Internet browser... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.
– Dave Barry
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other.
– Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
– Dave Barry
The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat.
– Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
– Dave Barry
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
– Dave Barry
The members took turns lighting sparklers and signing their John Hancocks to the Declaration, with one prankster even going so far as to actually write John Hancock.
– Dave Barry
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
– Dave Barry
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
– Dave Barry
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
– Dave Barry
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - to spew out paper.
– Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
– Dave Barry
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
– Dave Barry
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?
– Dave Barry
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
– Dave Barry
The reason it's called Grape Nuts is that it contains dextrose, which is also sometimes called grape sugar, and also because Grape Nuts is catchier, in terms of marketing, than A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel, which is what it tastes like.
– Dave Barry
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
– Dave Barry
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
– Dave Barry
The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
– Dave Barry
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
– Dave Barry
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
– Dave Barry
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
– Dave Barry
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
– Dave Barry
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.
– Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
– Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
– Dave Barry
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
– Dave Barry
UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons; there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.
– Dave Barry
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
– Dave Barry
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
– Dave Barry
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
– Dave Barry
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
– Dave Barry
We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space.
– Dave Barry
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
– Dave Barry
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
– Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
– Dave Barry
What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight.
– Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
– Dave Barry
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our CONFIG.SYS settings.
– Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
– Dave Barry
You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England; exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at certain major universities; and much, much more.
– Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
– Dave Barry
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
– Dave Barry
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
– Dave Barry
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
– Dave Barry
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
– Dave Barry
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
– Dave Barry
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.