Quotes by Dave Barry

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
– Dave Barry
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
– Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
– Dave Barry
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
– Dave Barry
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
– Dave Barry
Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
– Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
– Dave Barry
For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour, metric equivalent: 378 kilograms per hectare.
– Dave Barry
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
– Dave Barry
Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.
– Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
– Dave Barry
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase.
– Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
– Dave Barry
Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a type of weevil.
– Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
– Dave Barry
I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.
– Dave Barry
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
– Dave Barry
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
– Dave Barry
I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.
– Dave Barry
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
– Dave Barry