Quotes by Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
– Dave Barry
It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.
– Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
– Dave Barry
It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.
– Dave Barry
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
– Dave Barry
Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
– Dave Barry
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
– Dave Barry
Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.
– Dave Barry
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
– Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
– Dave Barry
MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz.
– Dave Barry
Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrinth, the message is: Just Try to Find Our Baggage Claim Area!
– Dave Barry
More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.
– Dave Barry
Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the patty group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets-foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.
– Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
– Dave Barry
My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like Heave and Squatting Turnips.
– Dave Barry
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
– Dave Barry
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
– Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
– Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
– Dave Barry