Quotes by Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
– Erma Bombeck
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
– Erma Bombeck
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.
– Erma Bombeck
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
– Erma Bombeck
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
– Erma Bombeck
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
– Erma Bombeck
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
– Erma Bombeck
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
– Erma Bombeck
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, A house guest, you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
– Erma Bombeck
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
– Erma Bombeck
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
– Erma Bombeck
Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
– Erma Bombeck
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
– Erma Bombeck
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
– Erma Bombeck
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
– Erma Bombeck
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
– Erma Bombeck
God created man, but I could do better.
– Erma Bombeck
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.
– Erma Bombeck
Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, How good or how bad am I? That's where courage comes in.
– Erma Bombeck
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
– Erma Bombeck