It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
– Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
– Jerry Seinfeld
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
– Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
– Jerry Seinfeld
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
– Jerry Seinfeld
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
– Jerry Seinfeld
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
– Jerry Seinfeld
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
– Jerry Seinfeld
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
– Jerry Seinfeld
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
– Jerry Seinfeld
That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Men want to make women happy.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
– Jerry Seinfeld
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
– Jerry Seinfeld
I love being a dad. I just love it.
– Jerry Seinfeld
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.