Quotes by P. J. O'Rourke

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
– P. J. O'Rourke
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
– P. J. O'Rourke
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
– P. J. O'Rourke
Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
– P. J. O'Rourke
I am a journalist and, under the modern journalist's code of Olympian objectivity (and total purity of motive), I am absolved of responsibility. We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scurry.
– P. J. O'Rourke
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a learning experience. Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a learning experience. It makes me feel less stupid.
– P. J. O'Rourke