A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
– Robert Benchley
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
– Robert Benchley
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
– Robert Benchley
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
– Robert Benchley
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
– Robert Benchley
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
– Robert Benchley
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
– Robert Benchley
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.
– Robert Benchley
I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.
– Robert Benchley
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
– Robert Benchley
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
– Robert Benchley
If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.
– Robert Benchley
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
– Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
– Robert Benchley
Most of the arguments to which I am a party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
– Robert Benchley
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
– Robert Benchley
The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.
– Robert Benchley
The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
– Robert Benchley
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
– Robert Benchley
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
– Robert Benchley
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
– Robert Benchley
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
– Robert Benchley
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
– Robert Benchley
I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.
– Robert Benchley
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
– Robert Benchley
You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.
– Robert Benchley
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.
– Robert Benchley
A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.