Quotes by Woody Allen

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot.
– Woody Allen
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
– Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
– Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
– Woody Allen
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
– Woody Allen
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
– Woody Allen
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
– Woody Allen
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
– Woody Allen
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
– Woody Allen
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
– Woody Allen
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
– Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
– Woody Allen
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
– Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
– Woody Allen
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
– Woody Allen
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
– Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
– Woody Allen
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen