Quotes by Andy Rooney


Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
– Andy Rooney
All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.
– Andy Rooney
As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
– Andy Rooney
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
– Andy Rooney
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
– Andy Rooney
I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
– Andy Rooney
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
– Andy Rooney
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
– Andy Rooney
It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
– Andy Rooney
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
– Andy Rooney
Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
– Andy Rooney
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
– Andy Rooney
Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
– Andy Rooney
Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
– Andy Rooney
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
– Andy Rooney
The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.
– Andy Rooney
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
– Andy Rooney
The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
– Andy Rooney
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.
– Andy Rooney
The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
– Andy Rooney