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Quotes by Bill Maher

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch Big Brother.
– Bill Maher
A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.
– Bill Maher
Apparently Bob Dole's new election strategy is to find a Republican policy so stupid, even Clinton won't copy it.
– Bill Maher
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
– Bill Maher
Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
– Bill Maher
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
– Bill Maher
George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.
– Bill Maher
I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you're not married and having children, it's like your life is empty or you're a communist meanie.
– Bill Maher
I mean, I think, Iraqis, I think, feel that if we drove smaller cars, maybe we wouldn't have to kill them for their oil.
– Bill Maher
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
– Bill Maher
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
– Bill Maher
It's all been satirized for your protection.
– Bill Maher
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
– Bill Maher
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
– Bill Maher
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
– Bill Maher
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
– Bill Maher
Men are only as loyal as their options.
– Bill Maher
President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
– Bill Maher
Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit.
– Bill Maher
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
– Bill Maher
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
– Bill Maher
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
– Bill Maher
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
– Bill Maher
The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, You know what? Let's just grab lunch.
– Bill Maher
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.
– Bill Maher
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
– Bill Maher
The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain.
– Bill Maher
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
– Bill Maher
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
– Bill Maher
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
– Bill Maher
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
– Bill Maher
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
– Bill Maher
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
– Bill Maher
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
– Bill Maher
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
– Bill Maher
Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window.
– Bill Maher
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
– Bill Maher
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.
– Bill Maher
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
– Bill Maher
Let's face it God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
– Bill Maher
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
– Bill Maher
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
– Bill Maher
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
– Bill Maher
Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.
– Bill Maher