Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
– Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
– Henny Youngman
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.
– Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.
– Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
– Henny Youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
– Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
– Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
– Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
– Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
– Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
– Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
– Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
– Henny Youngman
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
– Henny Youngman
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
– Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
– Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
– Henny Youngman
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
– Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
– Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
– Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.