I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
– Paul Merton
My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
– Paul Merton
On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.
– Paul Merton
When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.
– Paul Merton
When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.
– Paul Merton
I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.