When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
– Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
– Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
– Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
– Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?
– Steven Wright
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
– Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
– Steven Wright
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
– Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
– Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
– Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
– Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
– Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
– Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
– Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
– Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
– Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
– Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
– Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.