It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
– W. C. Fields
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
– W. C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
– W. C. Fields
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
– W. C. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
– W. C. Fields
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
– W. C. Fields
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
– W. C. Fields
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
– W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
– W. C. Fields
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
– W. C. Fields
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
– W. C. Fields
I drink therefore I am.
– W. C. Fields
I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.
– W. C. Fields
I like children - fried.
– W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W. C. Fields
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
– W. C. Fields
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
– W. C. Fields
I never met a kid I liked.
– W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– W. C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
– W. C. Fields
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
– W. C. Fields
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
– W. C. Fields
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
– W. C. Fields
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
– W. C. Fields
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
– W. C. Fields
Never give a sucker an even break.
– W. C. Fields
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
– W. C. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
– W. C. Fields
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
– W. C. Fields
Roomservice, Roomservice, don't send up any more ice.
– W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
– W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
– W. C. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
– W. C. Fields
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
– W. C. Fields
Stop following me, are you following me? That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven years at twelveworth, or five and ten at Woolworth's.
– W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
– W. C. Fields
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
– W. C. Fields
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
– W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. I'm looking for a loop-hole, he explained.
– W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
– W. C. Fields
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
– W. C. Fields
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
– W. C. Fields
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
– W. C. Fields
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
– W. C. Fields
I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.
– W. C. Fields
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
– W. C. Fields
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
– W. C. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
– W. C. Fields
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
– W. C. Fields
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
– W. C. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.
– W. C. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
– W. C. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
– W. C. Fields
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
– W. C. Fields
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
