A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
– Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
– Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.
– Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
– Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
– Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
– Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
– Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
– Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
– Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
– Steven Wright
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
– Steven Wright
How young can you die of old age?
– Steven Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
– Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
– Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
– Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
– Steven Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
– Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
– Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
– Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, Here, you can go.
– Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
– Steven Wright
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, Hello, Information. I said, I can't find my socks. She said, They're behind the couch. And they were!
– Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
– Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
– Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
– Steven Wright
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
– Steven Wright
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said Cut it out!
– Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
– Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
– Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
– Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
– Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
– Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.
– Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
– Steven Wright
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
– Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, Have you got anything I'd like? Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, Extra medium.
– Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
– Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
– Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
– Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
– Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
– Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
– Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much time.
– Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
– Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
– Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
– Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.
– Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
– Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
– Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
– Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a row.
– Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, ten-four.
– Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
– Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
– Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.
– Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
– Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
– Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
– Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
– Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, Hey, maybe I wrote that.
– Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
– Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
– Steven Wright
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
– Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
– Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
– Steven Wright
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
– Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
– Steven Wright
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
– Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
– Steven Wright
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
– Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
– Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
– Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
– Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
– Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
– Steven Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
– Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
– Steven Wright
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
– Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
– Steven Wright
My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short...
– Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
– Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
– Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
– Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
– Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
– Steven Wright
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
– Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
– Steven Wright
So, do you live around here often?
– Steven Wright
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on them.
– Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
– Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
– Steven Wright
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
– Steven Wright
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
– Steven Wright
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
– Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
– Steven Wright
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
– Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
– Steven Wright
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.