Funny Quotes

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
– Bette Davis
I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and it's all wrong in the book, and I giggle. It's funny.
– Jonathan Davis
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
– Les Dawson
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
– Ellen DeGeneres
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
– Ellen DeGeneres
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
– Angie Dickinson
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
– Phyllis Diller
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
– Clint Eastwood
When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government, the fundamentalists say that we and the Bush Administration are in the same camp. The funny thing is that human rights activists and Mr. Bush can never be situated in the same group.
– Shirin Ebadi
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
– Albert Einstein
All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead.
– Will Ferrell
I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.
– Will Ferrell
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
– W. C. Fields
I like children - fried.
– W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W. C. Fields
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.
– Bill Gates
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
– Theodor Geisel
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
– Samuel Goldwyn