Funny Quotes

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
– David Brenner
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
– Billie Burke
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
– Robert Byrne
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
– George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
– George Carlin
Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.
– Tucker Carlson
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
– Johnny Carson
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
– Johnny Carson
All generalizations are false, including this one.
– Alexander Chase
It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.
– G. K. Chesterton
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
– Arthur C. Clarke
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
– Hillary Clinton
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
– Hillary Clinton
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
– Calvin Coolidge
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
– Bill Cosby
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
– Bill Cosby
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
– Noel Coward
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
– Rodney Dangerfield